The dirty little secret
Your typically excited at the idea that your married and ready to conceive. How hard can it be right? Your intimate with your spouse and BAM! Your pregnant. For most that is exactly how it may happen. There is also a percentage of women that unfortunately like me it doesn't happen that easily.
I remember how excited I was for preparing to have my husband and I first child. We started and nothing. We eventually started ovulation kits, period tracker apps, then I called my OB GYN
Dr. Beister from Partners of Woman health who checked to see if there was any blockages in the tubes or was there anything to be concerned about. There was nothing. I had a clean bill of health. We went back to it. I became ridiculous. I would call my husband and say " I'm ovulating can you come home for lunch"? eventually it became a chore to him. I though I would never hear the day when my husband would say he can't perform under these circumstances. I was putting to much stress on him.
Dr. Beister from Partners of Woman health who checked to see if there was any blockages in the tubes or was there anything to be concerned about. There was nothing. I had a clean bill of health. We went back to it. I became ridiculous. I would call my husband and say " I'm ovulating can you come home for lunch"? eventually it became a chore to him. I though I would never hear the day when my husband would say he can't perform under these circumstances. I was putting to much stress on him.
The funny thing is I was on the phone with my sister and she said "Hey! did you get your menstrual"? of course, I didn't realize I had been unbearable to deal with. She mentioned I had been moody and mean. I checked my period tracker since I decided to be more relaxed about monitoring and it said your 45 days late. I started to scream, jump and became so excited I started to drop my phone. On Thursday evening I took a pregnancy test and it was official I AM PREGNANT. I took a picture of the positive test and texted it to my husband and called him all at the same time. He could hardly understand me. Finally we did it. We are pregnant. Yay!!
I wake up Friday still riding off the high of it all. My husband kiss the belly. We start to plan our future, figuring how and when will we tell everyone? On Saturday I wake up and the Hubby handles his weekend errands as usual. I'm on the phone with my sister and realize my stomach is hurting I go to the bathroom and there is blood. No!? What is this? In her calmest voice she tells me to go to the hospital now. I head over and call the hubby.
The worst day of my life has begun. My heart is racing, I feel a emptiness and fear. I find out I have an ectopic. My baby is in my fallopian tube. I am devastated, I have to choose to do a shot of methotrexate or remove the tube. In my mind I'm killing my baby. What if it can detach? Who says it can't happen? I believe in miracles. I decide to reluctantly do the methotrexate and thinking everything is okay. I continue my days mourning what could have been. I found myself being thankful we found out we can have a baby now its just a matter of healing and moving forward. While working I notice my insides are hurting and I feel like something just isn't right. I get home and off we go to the hospital. After a 6 day hospital stay my fallopian tube has ruptured and I am now bleeding internally. I have to have emergency surgery to remove the tube I wanted to salvage. The scariest thing in the world is to have your family all in a lobby praying for you as you go into a surgery. Your very first surgery ever. I could see the concern and worry on my husband face.
Now our journey to conceive has become altered. Why can't I just simply have a baby. The one thing women are design to do without question. I find myself with my husband in Fertility clinics of Illinois in Oakbrook with Dr. Ulher discussing our options. We left there with so much hope, peace and joy. it was God who led us to her. After 2 cycles we have our little precious Elianna. We are now parents.
I wish that women would speak more of the struggle, the disappointment and expectation when trying to conceive. You hear about miscarriage, still birth and premature delivers that result in loss of infant. You rarely hear about fertility issues and you rarely ever hear about ectopic pregnancies. I was very angry when I had my experience. After the experience I had friends tell me "sure I know what that is I had two. I don't have either of my fallopian tubes" or I heard stories of women having at least one ectopic or having a family member that experienced it. The one thing that bothers me the most is that in the African American community women don't share their personal experience. They never share to know their story. They do not want to give the impression they are less of a women. The pride in the community can be crippling.
African American women we must share our experiences in life to educate the next generations. The elders have a job and it appears we are not hearing the necessary stories. Now being a Doula I am very open and candid about pregnancy to help women understand no matter the situations it is a beautiful experience. I like to have my families that I work with enjoy the pregnancy experience but also discuss the tuff stuff. Most mothers aren't sharing with their spouse about their fears, concerns and worries. The spouses aren't being honest either. They are hiding their feelings as well. I love having them deal with this and what I really love is it brings them closer once they understand how the other feels. To have your spouse be a support to you in every way during the pregnancy is important.
Women I hold you responsible. Be honest with yourself as well as those around you. Share your story with friends and family. More importantly share with your daughters when they are older. Let's prepare others and let them know they aren't alone. I remember that was one emotion I felt during my healing process. My husband was awesome. I just needed someone who had that experience to support me.
Find support groups for women who have had your experience. You can counsel through your church. If you don't have a church home you can find a neighborhood church that shares your same beliefs and meet with a Pastor there or you can make an appointment with counselors near you.
If you have an opportunity to prevent postpartum depression even if you experience a stillbirth please consider keeping your placenta and encapsulating to improve your chances of recovering physically and emotionally from the experience in addition to the counseling and support groups. www.peacefulbirthingdoula.com
I have a list of groups if your need suggestions. I hope you find them helpful.
Tunisia Macklin
Peaceful Birthing Doula
Educate, Encourage, Empower and Serving Women
http://www.peacefulbirthingdoula.com
peacefulbirthingdoula@gmail.com
(630)481-6079
If your currently pregnant and looking for support I have availability www.peacefulbirthingdoula.com
